Anti-quality time
"Radesky did a study of fifty-five adults who were watching over children as they ate meals together in fast-food restaurants. The results: Across the board, the adults paid more attention to their phones than to the children. Some adults interacted with children intermittently; most withdrew completely into their devices. For their part, children became passive and detached or began to seek adult attention in futile bursts of bad behavior." (Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation)
I grew up with far fewer distractions at hand, and for some reason was indifferent to most of those. For nine years of college I mostly didn't have a TV set, and I wasn't quick to buy one once I was working. My first cars had no radio, no stereo, and when they finally did as often as not I forgot it was there.
Often I just didn't care to listen or watch. I had gotten used to occupying myself with thinking and preferred to do that as undistracted as possible.
Which trained me not to run from boredom. I learned to endure stretches when I had nothing entertaining to distract me, not even a cereal box to read. Much, much later I gained skills that allowed me to profit during those stretches, even enjoy them, look forward to them.
That ability served me well, I could make it through the boring stretches without getting antsy or frantic or doing something stupid just to stimulate myself, I could just sit back mentally and let it unfold, knowing that it would eventually end.
It also allowed me to notice things that I otherwise would have missed. When nothing interesting was happening, my mind would seize on a potentially interesting thing and look hard and deep, even if it was something I would have normally ignored. I learned a lot, especially about myself, about how much I was missing just because I wasn't really paying attention — or, more accurately, was spending all my attention on the same old stuff, familiar and reliable, with no time left over for actual novelties.
One thing I learned to pay attention to was kids, my own and others. Kids take it for granted that they will be ignored by adults, not taken seriously, engaged out of family or community obligation rather than as persons worthy of their time and respect. When I treat kids as respectfully as I would another adult, taking into account their maturity and level of sophistication — exactly as I do with another adult — the responses are often remarkable, unusual, and I find myself fascinated, as eager to engage and converse as I ever am with anyone. And they often recognize that, and I think it excites and encourages them to be treated that way.
Of course, what interests kids doesn't often interest me, and so we end up in conversations that can be mind numbing — to me. But that's OK, I'm not there for the content of the conversation, I'm there to honor and encourage by having a serious one, whatever "serious" means to them, not me. Boredom is a small price for me to pay in order to give a kid such a gift. A gift of quality time.
To give the gift of quality time, I don't think it's enough for me to simply be present. I need to give the gift of my attention. I have a smart phone in my pocket at all times, but mostly so I can be contacted or can contact someone. Except for that and my weather app and my grocery list and Google Maps, it stays in my pocket. I never pull it out when the conversation lags, or I want to google something I said to someone or they said to me, or to show the other person something interesting. I try to pay attention to the other person, even if that means enduring the silence that grows as we both wait for the next thing to get said.
I have sat with my kids at McDonalds many times, talking seriously, entertaining each other, talking about what they want to talk about, sitting quietly and attentively if they get bored with talking. They don't have phones and I leave mine in my pocket. I sometimes get bored, but I endure the boredom gladly. I can't imagine sitting with them physically but being in cyberspace mentally, and calling that "quality time". Maybe "babysitting".
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